Yeah..And after he fingered me, he wiped it on my face and laughed.
ew wtf
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
