you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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