I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Randomize
