You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
