Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
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