I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
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