i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
My ATM looks so different sober.
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
Randomize
