I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
