I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
The beer is more important than you right now.
I don't remember much but I remember it was a unanimous decision that Santa was indeed real and Cait's stripping somehow proved this.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
