I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
He had one of those small greek statue penises
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
Randomize
