Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
From now on I'd like to be known as Rampage.
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