that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
I think people are normalizing furries
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
Randomize
