Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
Randomize
