You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
Randomize
