He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
his personality makes his face look like an asshole.
Dignity is for republicans.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
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