How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
Randomize
