do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
