Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
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