Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
But break dance skills will only take you so far
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
Randomize
