I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
Randomize
