One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.
She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.
WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
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