Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize