He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
I have tasted many bathrooms
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
Randomize
