Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
Idk. Last year there was an ice luge, glow in the dark jungle juice, and lots of naked people. I feel like I'll get pregnant just thinking about going to that party.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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