I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
We are two peas in an std pod
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
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