I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
Having random cyber sex while watching to catch a predator just seems wrong.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
Randomize
