I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
third nipple confirmed
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
