Took an aderol, wrote a differential equation for solving volume of flow of a rectangular channel with change in depth, then masturbated for the 6th time.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
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