Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Randomize
