She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
