my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Randomize
