My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
Randomize
