and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
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