drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
Randomize