We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
