I have been thinking about it and I am really glad we decided to order helmets.
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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