I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Randomize
