I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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