Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
By the way seagulls wings are very soft. And the lesbian and or by sexual twins say hello. Be home in the little bit time frame.
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
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