she woke up with a sticky ear
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
I cant believe im wasting my plan b experience on this guy. I should have saved it for someone special.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
