She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Randomize
