i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
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