there were more penises there than on chat roulette
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
Randomize
