just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Randomize
