i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
this is an emotional support booty call
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