why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
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