I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
