I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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