After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
