apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
I like taco bell too
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
I feel that shower jager is exactly what this man needs after last night.
You're a disgrace to gay men everywhere.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
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