my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
