which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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