I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
Randomize
