If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
COCAINE IS GR8
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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