shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Randomize
