dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
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