I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
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