i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
She had a bottle of NAIR in her bathroom, but she clearly hadn't been using it.
He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
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