I feel great
I just peed on a car
I was rubbing the clit just like wikipedia told me to.
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
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